Reader’s Write: Am I a Hoarder?

Note: The Nameless Journey regularly features “Reader’s Write,” a forum for our readers to discuss a topic or issue meaningful to them. If you would like to write for an upcoming blog, please drop us an e-mail at: share@thenamelessjourney.com.

By Sharkisha Martinez

Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they’re over there… when it blows that way, they’re over here… they’re unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they’re gone. That’s alright. Most people are like that, they’re not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That’s all they can do. But don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are. That’s all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they’ll fool you. They’ll make you think they’re a good friend, and they’re real strong, but the minute you step out there on them, they’ll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that’s like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren’t going nowhere. They aren’t worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don’t have to know what they’re doing for you, but if those roots weren’t there, that tree couldn’t live. A tree could have a hundred million branches, but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it… just let it go. Let folks go.” ~Tyer Perry

There is this show on A&E that I’ve become quite addicted to called “Hoarders.” It’s about people who compulsively hoard everything—things that most people don’t have a problem tossing out like clothing that is way too small or a burrito wrapper from Moe’s. They hoard and hoard until it is threatening their health, and their homes sometimes cave under the pressure from their hoarding to the point that it begins to deteriorate.

Watching this show, it’s easy to question how can people do this? How can they cope with this constant visual chaos? It’s fascinating yet a bit repulsive. It make wonder if these people must have a defect, an illness of some sort to that living like this is so okay with them that they don’t even see it as a problem? But in watching this show, I realized something interesting: I have my own version of hoarding. Although my version is not as easy to see because it’s much more common than anyone cares to admit.

I hoard people.

I call them my “friends” and cherish them above everything else. But what I realize is that they are not all my friends. Many of these relationships have become so destructive and emotionally toxic that it’s become unhealthy to hold on to them. Isn’t it crazy how watching a show about compulsive disorders reflected the chaos going on in my life?

I couldn’t help but question myself as to why it was I kept these toxic people in my life? Is it because I believe they will change? Or do I think they need me? Or am I afraid I will someday need them?

I guess my biggest fear is abandonment. The idea of being completely alone with no one to call terrifies me. It’s a solitary existence that I don’t want to think about. And I am still trying to get to the root of that. Why is the idea of being alone so terrifying for me? But the truth is once I was able to acknowledge that I have this problem, I understood that I need to let some of these friends go in the same way the hoarders on TV need to let go of their possessions. In this realization, I could already feel myself feeling lighter, better.

So I quietly began my process. I didn’t make a big production out of it. I just narrowed down my contacts. I changed my phone number, which was the most effective way of doing things. Skimming through my contact list, I deleted those “friends” whose sole basis for being in contact with me was (and I’d already known this) was to remind me how much better than me they thought they were—while taking whatever they could out of me. I also decided to stay away from all those places that evoked bad memories so as not to expose myself to that kind of environment anymore.

I admit, however, that writing about letting go is a lot easier than actually doing it. I feel a lot of guilt sometimes over my decision. Am I wrong for doing this? What if one of the people I let go really does need me? What if I really hurt someone’s feelings? What if they become angry at me? What if I run into them somewhere?

But ultimately, I knew I had to stand by my decision and focus on me for a change. As my best friend, Beth, once told me, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Because sometimes it’s necessary to take care of yourself—because if you don’t then who will?

And although I did lose a lot of people, I was able to really see who my true friends are. Quality friends who I can call on at anytime, and I know can call on me. People who want to see me grow as well as I want them to. Lifetime bonds. At one time, these valuable treasures were lost among under the chaos of my life, buried under all of the friends I had hoarded. Despite being under appreciated and undervalued at times, they never wavered in their loyalty or support of me.

My life now is so much richer, so much fuller. And I guess I have A&E Hoarders to thank for that. For opening my eyes, teaching me how to let go, and helping me see that under the chaos, I do have roots.

Sharkisha Martinez is a customer service representative for Verizon Wireless whose passion and long-time dream is to become a non-fiction writer. Originally from New York City, she now resides in Rochester, NY.